Wo Shi Mei Guo Ren.

I’ve been in China for almost 10 months now, but I started taking Mandarin lessons about one month ago. By that I mean, I’ve been to four one and a half hour-sessions, where I’m mostly learning to read pinyin. By now, my big accomplishments are seeing “xi” and saying, “see”, and “zh” and saying, “j.”

We’ve also started to learn a few of the basics, like ordering in restaurants. This is when I learned that the few phrases I thought I knew (and have been using since August of last year), were in fact wrong.

Some mistakes are small enough. I’ve been ordering two “units” of rice, (liang ge mi fan), instead of two bowls (liang wan mi fan). I did the same with beer, ordering “units” or ge, instead of bottles, which is ping.

I also found out that when I thought I was ordering two bottles of beer (pi jiu), I was actually asking, “Do you have or not have two units of beer?” (You may you liang ge pi jiu?).

After that I started saying, “I want two bottles of beer” (Wo yao liang ping pi jiu), which turns out to be pretty rude. It took me weeks to learn the actual ordering phrase, which turns out to be, “Please, bring two bottles of beer.” (Qing wen, lai liang ping pi jiu.)

As you can see, the topic of beer comes up a lot in class. I also learned to say, “I like to drink beer,” (Wo xi huan he pi jiu) and “Do you like to drink beer?” which is “You like to drink beer, question?” (Ni xi huan he pi jiu, ma) or “You like or don’t like to drink beer?” (Ni xi huan bu xi huan he pi jiu). I’m starting to think the Chinese teachers know me too well…

The phrase I may be most excited to learn, even though it’s so late in my stay, is “Where is the bathroom?” They use the bathroom symbol here, or man and woman in Chinese, which I can recognize, but following signs is not so easy. I never thought of arrows as being cultural, but I’ve been more lost in Asia following signs than ever before.

An arrow pointing down means, more often than not, that the item is behind the sign. An arrow pointing up often means it’s behind you. I’ve been in the strangest allies in China and Malaysia, thinking I’m on the right path until I’m left stranded without a sign in sight. (The other strange thing is that bathrooms are often hidden in the smallest, dirtiest hallways and corners, through parking lots and streets, not necessarily connect or anywhere near the restaurant or shop. )

The worst part, though, is having to go up to a waiter or maître de at a fancy restaurant and ask, loudly and clearly, “Toilet?!?” This is the word they use for bathroom, and the only way I’ve found that communicates your need, as much as I start with the usual, “Excuse me, is there a restroom or bathroom?”

Not anymore! The phrase literally translates to “Please, bathroom where?” “Qing wen, wei sheng jian zai nar?” Yess!!

With any luck, I’ll get these simple requests…when it’s time to go back to America!